Reflections on Happiness / Interview with a Stranger

 Me: Good afternoon, sir. Great to see you again. It has been a while. You said you wanted to talk about happiness. Is that correct?

Me2: Yes, I think I do. I have actually found it, I believe. But I am not sure. It has been so many years. I can’t tell if it is happiness or contentment. Or something in between. I need help to figure out what this is that I am feeling.

Me: It does seem strange that you don’t know. Isn’t this something you should recognize right away?

Me2: Maybe. I believe it started over 30 years ago. I guess I should back up all the way to college.

Me: Wow, you should have warned me to wear comfortable shoes for this journey.

Me2: You know I love a good story. Have I ever have done anything quickly? Buckle up!

Me: You have a point. Proceed.

Me2: I could not bring myself to stay where I grew up. I had to move away and prove that I could do what I set my mind to. I finished my degree, then I ended up back in my hometown. Exactly where I did NOT want to be. But I took it in stride and looked for new challenges. I thought it would be marriage and raising a family and becoming a teacher. Becoming a godly man and getting a respectable job. I guess it worked for a few years. But I kept pushing myself to find more challenges to face. More mountains to climb.

Me: So, you are saying you could only be happy if you were challenged and if you were trying to prove yourself? Must have been frustrating.

Me2: Yes, it was frustrating, but I was not sure how to stop. It felt like I was going at full speed and one crisis after another was taking my time away from myself. Chipping off a little more each day until I was just an empty shell. A husk. Always someone I needed to take care of. I remember helping my summer roommate at college in 1989. Young freshman who went out drinking and stumbled back to the dorm. I brought him a trash can and put cold rags on his forehead. This was even before I was married and had kids. I felt the burden of solving a problem or being “the grown up in the room” even then. Of putting others before me even if it scraped away at my psyche. And it never stopped.

Me: How many years did this go on?

Me2: Wow, after about 17 years of marriage I was still caught in that cycle of wins and losses, giving in and giving myself away until there was nothing left. Then in 2008, I decided to take the leap for my doctorate. To finally do something for myself. You could call it selfish, but it was something I always wanted to do.

Me: I would think that would do the trick. Didn’t that make you happy?

Me2: Its crazy but I still felt like a failure. A big, fat failure. I tried to be less of a man, too. Literally. Got into fitness and lost lots of weight. More than once. Felt great for a time and then the weight would come back. As it always did. Anyway, long story short – I finished my doctorate, then started toward tenure, had that derailed, then back on track in a new city, and finally made tenure 33 years after receiving my bachelors. Even after that, I felt I was still not there yet. Still trying to prove myself, although it was a little better. But you know all this. Why am I telling you?

Me: Well, I am you, so that makes sense.

Me2: True. But I am on a roll, so I might as well finish. The last 15 years there was a force of love driving me forward. Loving me when I didn’t love myself. Encouraging me and believing in me. Willing to go anywhere and do anything to make me happy. That is my wife. After the divorce in 2011, I was spent. Empty. Devoid of hope. But her love and her smile brought me back from the dead little by little. She was that invisible force that kept pushing me, but only hard enough to lighten the burden. She was and is the wind behind my back. But even then, I refused to allow myself to be complete. I felt like I had to struggle in order to be happy. That I had to have an impossible challenge facing me at all times. A character flaw I guess. I thought happiness meant always having a boulder and a burden on my back. Having said all that…

Me: (Snort) Sorry, I dozed off there for a minute. Having said ALL that….go on.

Me2: Try to keep up! Having said all that, then came the two years of reset. I was humbled to move back to DFW and start over with something that I used to really love to do. Teach. I poured myself into giving back to high school students and proved that I still had the skills to be an effective educator. Struggles were always there, like trying and failing to train the dog that sadly we had to get rid of after the biting incident. Now that time has passed and I am starting to heal from the pain of that decision, life seems to be settling into a steady rhythm. A steady calm. But you know what’s crazy?

Me: After listening to all this, I would have to say “You!”

Me2: Well, I can’t argue with you there. I would have to be slightly mental to go through all this just to finally reach some semblance of normal. I guess my point is that I now have nothing to fix that is broken, nothing to prove that I haven’t already proven, and all those physical and spiritual needs that have haunted me in the past all seem to be fulfilled. And I guess that scares me. With age comes wisdom and the older I get, the less I enjoy drama, the more I love the simple joy of watching TV and holding my wife’s hand, or the low-key thrill of reading a good book while sipping on coffee. I am simultaneously happy and also mad at myself for not diving headfirst into some new and crazy challenge to prove myself to someone or something again. But now that feeling is in the back of my mind, not ruling everything I do.I also never knew I could be so happy “retired” from religion and embracing doubts as a way of life. Not fearing what happens after this life, but content in experiencing all I can with the life I have in front of me. That has been a delightful surprise.

Me: So it sounds like you have figured it out without me. But it was nice hearing you say it. My only advice to you is – enjoy this happiness while it is in your reach. Challenges are ahead. I 100% guarantee that to be true. But you appear to have strengthened your resolve to face them all with courage. Maybe THAT is the true sign of happiness… knowing that whatever happens in the future, you have seen it all and are ready to face whatever life throws at you.

Me2: Yes, I think that is the point. And looking back in that rearview mirror, I see that all that worry and strife was necessary to make me the man I am today. My inner resolve has taken me to me to some wild and wonderful places. I will no longer feel guilty for being happy. I have to believe it is some kind of reward for all that I have accomplished. And if I know myself, I will not be content until I find another mountain or two to climb. But as long as I have love as the wind in my sails, I can’t fail. Onward and upward!

Me: Great! Very poetic. (Rolls my eyes) Now let’s go to sleep. We have lots of thinking to do tomorrow…and some new mountains to climb.

To Build a Castle: A Parable

There once was a queen who ruled many years before deciding to pass the crown to her grown children and live out her days in solitude. She set out to build a castle on the grounds of one of her ancestors' properties. She had her servants thoroughly search the land for the perfect spot to build the castle, but no ruins or previous buildings could be located. Exhausted from her search, she finally gave up and just picked a spot for her castle, planning to angle it so she could see both a beautiful sunrise and sunset each day. Before she could start building the new castle, a servant ran to her to tell her that the ancient ruins had been discovered. While inspecting the debris and broken supports for the old structure, she discovered that her ancestors had built a castle very similar to her idea, even featuring a perfect view of both a beautiful sunrise and sunset. Realizing how similar she was to those who had come before, she smiled and now understood that people are much more alike than we are different. 

We always build on the shoulders of our ancestors, and when we try to understand their legacy, we invariably find that all generations have the same goals, dreams, and aspirations. Although we hold them in great reverence, they were humans just like us, though separated by years and constant cycles of revolution. They were not perfect, but neither are we. We should not strive for perfection, but only to build a new foundation on all that was learned before us, while enjoying every sunrise and sunset along the journey. 

Hope is Built Brick by Brick

Do you ever wonder what the people who lived hundreds of years ago thought about in their daily lives?

It is easier to cling to pessimism; we somehow think we are noble and brave martyrs

If we only see life in a glass-half-empty way.

Prepare for the best yet always expect the worst.

Did they worry about their next meal or if a storm would take them away in a swirling mysterious cloud?

It is more noble and brave to be an optimist; to always see the good in others and

Hope that they will learn to show it to the world before it’s too late.

There is vulnerability in seeing the world through hope-colored glasses.

Did they worry about life expectancy, or did they constantly live in the moment?

Many believe that you cannot be a fatalist and an optimist at the same time,

Yet fatalism is always the fallback plan and the way out for the fragile optimist.

Everything is going to be fine, but if it isn’t, then we will all meet the same deadly end.

Did they ever imagine a world of such lavish surplus and technology filling our every waking thought?

Hope is a choice that we make. Not the easiest choice, but the choice that we must make

If we hope to survive in a world that thrives on pain, turmoil, and soundbites.

Hope is the brave choice for those who truly choose to live instead of dying little by little each day.

Did they understand hope better than we do or have humans always hedged their bets on heaven?

Hope is not waiting for eternal reward, but it is what we do when we open our eyes in the morning

To face a new day. On and on we go, never knowing if hope will pay dividends or disappointments.

We are not completely helpless; we can control the rudder that leads us home, but the wind is always beyond our control.

Did they understand that hope is the secret ingredient that keeps humanity moving forward and looking up?

Men and women from the beginning of time until the edge of the next millennium

All understand that life on this planet is unique, but the nature of the game is chance, pain, and hopelessness.

Let hope be the wind in our sails that carries us onward to that bright future over the next horizon.

Prison of Doubt

Deep sorrow clings to you like a sticky sap.

No amount of cleaning will remove it.

Even though you know why it happened and

You feel like the right decision was made, it haunts you and will never leave you.

 

I try to hold back the profound sadness but it comes back in waves,

Out of the blue, unexpected yet so real that it blinds you to happiness and joy and passion.

You want it to get better, but then again you feel

That you deserve the curse and the pallor that is your sentence, your punishment.

 

Remembering the happiness is both a blessing and a curse,

For it fuels the supply of tears that are always ready to burst forth.

Sometimes I feel like the sadness says more about my weakness than my strength.

But I am who I am and maybe this weakness is a superpower and a way to survive.

 

The grief will subside in time and the realization that life continues

In small succinct ways, showing me that this is all part of the arduous journey.

A trip that only ends when all pain and fear and sadness are removed with eternal sleep,

But until then we must live and strive to overcome the shadow that we have cast.

 

Knowing the decision was right does not move us toward healing, but it must be rectified

So that our psyche can heal, so that we can forgive ourselves of that which seems unforgivable.

Yet our humanness locks us in this prison of doubt for which there is no escape,

Only hope that we can rise each day and move forward, trusting that all our decisions

Will please the universe and bring some peace to our daily existence.

 

There is no way out of the prison, only time served in sadness, contemplation, and quiet thoughts.

May we come out of the other side of our self-imposed punishment with hopefulness in our hearts and

Wisdom for the treacherous journey that awaits us.

There is no going back. Only time will heal the pain of our choices and as we learn to forgive ourselves.

  

The Singer and the Song

The song begins with rainfall…lightly drizzling while rumbling thunder progresses slowly into the distance. A piano tinkles minor keys in the background, adding mystery to the somber night.

The volume of the piano builds as the rain fades away. The thunder wanes into a low rumble…nearly non-existent, but the repercussions can be felt for miles.

A soulful voice joins the tinkling piano, adding lamenting lyrics of a spent and banished love and the painful dream of searching for them again and again and again…

Their voice unlocks a distant memory of loves both lost and found.

A wandering bass line cuts through the sadness. A quartet of strings picks up the tempo and adds a jolt of reality and resolve to the lover’s woe. The singer pours their life blood into every line, cutting the listener to the bone and soul. The painful story must be told.

Slowly the voices of a harmonious choir join the fray as a lighted stage appears in the background, their voices moving to crescendo in unison with the lonely singer, building on the melancholy yet adding a tinge of hope.

They add courage to the singer’s wounded soul, compelling them to rise again in search of a new love...one that will bring them back to life and fill their empty hearts with joy again.

The rising cacophony of sounds reach their glorious peak, growing louder and louder until they are almost unbearable to the ears…then….

Silence

In the spotlight a violin quivers a low tremolo as the jilted singer lowers their head in surrender. Deep in their soul they know their lover is gone forever. No more to be in their arms. They must make peace with their loss and move on.

The choir stares at them from behind, eyes and faces fixed as they wait for the singer’s final words. The singer delivers the last line with remnants of hope dripping from their lips, melting their frozen heart.

After a penitent and patient pause, the crowd stands and cheers the broken soul, applaud mixing with tears of remembrance for lost loves, broken dreams, and hope for the future.

The stage grows dark.

The curtain closes.

But the song goes on and on and on…