This Order (or Dis Order)

Order in the Court!

We crave order and wish that all the answers we needed were laid out in front of us in neat little rows. But reality always paints a different picture.

What if there is not a silver lining, only the road in front of us? It’s like we are driving at night with no headlights. Every inch we move is important but the road ahead is obscured from view. Maybe we don’t need to see what’s around the next curve.

It would even be nice if I knew where this writing was going, or if there was a method to this madness. Maybe something here should rhyme, but maybe there is no rhyme nor reason.

Order! I demand order!

Everyone wants a savior for their souls. I just want one to save me from embarrassment. Save me from a million somethings I don’t want to do. Save me from destroying myself with worry that does no good in changing one minute of my future.

No one is coming to rescue us, and no one is planning our calendar – making us work or eat or strive for greatness (or even reach up for mediocrity). Maybe there is no muse; maybe we are our own savior and we are destined to build our own future one brick, and one trick, at a time.

I will take an order of anything that feeds my gnawing confusion. And a side of ketchup!

I want to be a person that others can look up to, but also one I can face every morning in the mirror. In 5 years I want to look up to the me of today, and in 10 years look back at all of my variations and personalities with pride. But it is so much easier to have backward hindsight than forward vision. So much easier to manage the chaos around me but ignore the storm within.

I warned you. There is no rhyme or reason to be found. But the discussion with myself continues into my nightly dreams and invades my thoughts in the morning even before my first drop of coffee hits the cup. Since a lobotomy seems a bit drastic, I will continue to struggle with the brain that I was gifted at birth.

But I really wish I could order a new one.

I would like to place an order for one new brain, please. Don’t forget the free shipping!