The Tearing Away

When a place has been your home for so long, it does its best to stick close to you. It becomes part of the air you breathe, intertwined with your movement, motion, and daily routines.

When the time comes to journey onward it is easy to linger, to gaze at the familiar, even as the pain of loss grabs hold of you and seeks to keep you in perpetual limbo.

When the day approaches, it is best to rip the band-aid off and experience the pain all at once, for it will continue to eat at you and raise feelings of regret to the surface if you mull over what could have been.

When the move is underway, and the wind is at your back, do not look in the rear-view mirror, but keep your gaze on the open road, for that is where the possibilities are crystal clear.

When the newness shows its face, and confusion tries to grab hold of you and paralyze your every step, take a deep breath and know that a promising path is under your feet.

When the confusion subsides and the new world comes into view, do not long for the days of old, for they are no more. Close your eyes and feel the sun shine on the promises that have opened up to you, and know that a brighter future is one that you create piece by peace.

The Promise

All we have sometimes is the promise of the future;
The promise that there is more around the next corner.
 
The lure of the new entices us and lulls us out of our sleep;
We wake up to a new place, a new purpose, and a new set of priorities.
 
Sometimes our hearts need the jolt of the paddles;
To feel alive again and to know that our blood pulses with purpose.
 
The dusty roads that we leave behind are drenched in our sorrow and sweat;
The memories that we made will have to sustain us as we see the hill rise over the next curve.
 
New memories await as we traverse the miles and envision the tasks that pull us forward;
Familiar patterns will follow us as well – there is truly nothing new under the sun.
 
Soon we will be surrounded with the clutter and chaos of a new residence;
And in not so many days it will be resonating once again with mundane and familiar routines.
 
Past obstacles and bittersweet memories will join us for the journey;
Yet the way forward has been chosen and turning back is not an option.
 
When opportunities show themselves we must entertain them, for life does not offer that many;
We must pursue dreams with all diligence for they are the cultivated creations of a life well-lived.
 

Redemption

Life is a series of redemptions, if you live long enough to see them resolved.

Redemption = You can go back home again.

In middle and high school I was awkward, anti-social, and never seemed to get traction. I felt the same in college, but started to hit my stride my senior year and into my first year of teaching. I felt like the butt of everyone’s joke. Like they had it all together, but I was continually fumbling in the dark. This year I go back to my 35^th high school reunion as a professor of education. Here’s to that awkward, lanky, fumbling kid in the 80s. Maybe all that striving and pushing myself has paid off in my ability to produce teachers that see the beauty in those awkward lost souls.

Redemption = You can be a leader with the skills and vulnerabilities that you own.

In my first few years of teaching (in the same school where I was a clumsy middle schooler), there was a constant struggle between my newness, lack of confidence, and the disconnect between my educational ideals and the reality of the students I taught. Yet in my 4^th year, I was awarded Teacher of the Year. I struggled with ADHD and was not sure if I could be a teacher that lived with a confused and disorganized mind. But I kept going. After 18 years of teaching, I was denied a promised job at an education service center, but 8 years later taught a workshop at that same center. Leaving my high school job eventually led to a teaching position at a STEM-focused school, which directly led to my first job at the university level. Pain and growth were involved in all those transitions, but now my educational career has come full circle.

Redemption = You can give and receive love again.

In its 20^th year, a marriage ended that consumed all my strength, time, energy, and resolve. I felt like a complete failure, like I had ruined any possibility of being happy; that I did not deserve a second chance. Then I met my wife, who loved me even though I was living at my mom’s house and driving a mini-van. She saw a diamond in the rough. She helped me believe that I deserved much more, loved me for who I was, and followed my every step as I re-grew the courage to earn it all back. Now we will face new adventures, and she is still by my side.

Redemption = You can find the career of your dreams or build a new one.

In high school and college, I always loved learning, but never felt like the smartest one in the room. After earning my master’s degree, a few years later I took on the brazen adventure of earning my doctorate. Even after becoming a professor, I had much to learn but I never gave up. After 8 years, I thought my career as a professor was over. Deprived of the chance to apply for tenure at one university, I have the privilege and opportunity to earn my stripes at a new one. To show the world that even at 53, I have skills and years of experiences that I can bring to the table. I am excited to prove that I was destined to be a professor; it is my legacy and my mark on the world.

Redemption = You can discovery joy in life apart from religion.

In various ways, I have been fortunate to exhibit my love of music: serving as a music minister, performing in high school marching band, singing in church choir and as a soloist, and playing trumpet in a junior college stage band. It always seemed my life journey went hand in hand with my love for music, especially in the church. Then my divorce changed all that. After leading worship in a conservative congregation, I was told by judgmental religious folks I could no longer be a music leader. This event and many others led me away from the church. I fear I will never return. But my love for music continues as an avid collector of physical media and as a music enthusiast. Maybe I will even pick up a trumpet again someday. Music continues to be a major focus of my life, but I no longer feel the need to connect it to any religion. I now love music for its own sake.

In every phase of my life, redemption reveals itself in small and subtle ways. Sometimes second chances become third and fourth chances. But the power of redemption is the fuel that drives me forward. When I have nothing left to prove, I will be ready to retire; ready for the scrapheap of history. Someday I will arrive in that glorious moment when I have nothing left to show the world. Only then can I feel the right to take my eternal rest. Until that time comes, work must be done. Redemption must be paid forward to future generations. I strive every day to teach those who will come after me that one’s work is never complete until all the regrets of life have been discovered, uncovered, and resolved.

Redemption is a gift you give to yourself.

Purgatory

We are all waiting for the next big change to come our way; to break our view of the scenery that is perpetually in our point of view…

The next job

The next pay raise
The next child or grandchild
The next delivery

We are all waiting for relief from the drudgery of everyday life as we watch our friends on social media soak up the sun on a distant beach…

When will be my time to tan and enjoy drinks with tiny umbrellas?
When is the vacation from my never ending turmoil going to appear?
When can I leave this smog and pollution and breath the country air?
When can I take a break from my brain and find a space without constant introspection?

We are all waiting to know the future, good or bad or indifferent; to know the future is to break the cycle of gnawing indifference…

Time will not change the emptiness that fills each human heart
Time will not bring us any closer to immortality
Time will not soothe the wounds of an unfulfilled childhood
Time will not bring back the lost opportunities that haunt our sleepless nights

We are all waiting for life to begin; for the future to bring us a sign that there is much more to humanity than we were promised…but there is nothing more than what we see and what we build…

The next sunrise
The next smile on the face of those you love
The next career you nurture with your voice, your hands, and your mind
The next generation you mold with the abundance of love you collected through the years
The next sunset…and then the last

Greatest Hits Vol. III: 2018-2021

“I want to grow close to this beast, to understand it and match the heat of its intensity.

But it is not my friend. It tolerates me and expects me to give it more than I am willing to concede.

I cannot release it. It is too much a part of me to grant it freedom now.

So I move forward with resolve; fearful of what I have become.

Embracing this changling, this dragon-like beast that only a few years ago

Cowered in fear at the unknown world that I was creating.

As I accept the task at hand, I know a piece of me may be destroyed in the process.”

From The Dragon’s Heart (March 16, 2018)

“We cling to happiness like it is something we can own, but we know it really owns us. Happiness gives clarity to all that is light and dark, real and unreal, lasting and vanity.

Nothing is under our control, and that realization keeps us on our guard. It helps us to breath when we must and hold our breath when the air is too hard to take in.

All we can do is make confident choices that take us to the next plateau. We can push forward or we can allow the world to pass us by.

To be alive, we must give up all control, for in that abandon we find that love is the key to the opened door.”

From What Does it Mean to Be Alive? (May 13, 2018)

“You may not feel like you can affect someone every day, or move them toward greatness, but you will. You may inspire someone across the world that you will never meet, and never know the impact you had on them. This kind of lasting mark takes the faith to know that each hurdle is for a reason. And that reason could be that because you did it, others can follow in your footsteps. Be the one that causes people to stumble into greatness.”

From The Power of “One” – A Letter to ALL My Children (August 5, 2018)

“I picture my skeptics in the background with their ugly smirks, reminding me that I chose this life, so I should stop complaining; ready to break out their “I told you so” retorts when I have failed.

But rather than shrinking back or retreating, I push forward; knowing that there is always a chance I will fail, but clinging to the chances of success like a warrior preparing for battle.

I may fail, but if I do, I will not go down without a fight.”

From Crossroads (October 7, 2018)

“I will stand with you, strengthen you, carry your burden and

Retain the book of confidence for you, to read you bedtime stories

Of a little boy who crossed a great chasm,

Who fought dragons of internal despair and self-doubt,

And who emerged victorious at the end of your perilous journey

With an unbelieving backward gaze at all you have conquered.

I cannot write the story of triumph for you, but

I will always be there to carry your burden and read you the

Adventures of your life as you, in undying confidence and strength,

Write the next chapter.”

From If I Could Take Your Burden Away (October 23, 2018)

 

“Now knowledge is my canvas, and words are my paint as

I train others to see through the eyes of love and give voice to the silent.

 

Former passions have been replaced by new ones, as I embrace the blessings of bygone love

And watch children become teenagers and college-goers become dedicated adults.

I do not mourn their lost childhood, but cherish my new role as watcher and guardian.”

From Do Not Mourn the Past, But Embrace the Now (December 23, 2018)

“I have never sought a fight. I avoided it at all costs during my childhood. My modus operandi was to cut and run. Even into adulthood, my rocky marriage hit turbulence because it was easier to avoid a fight than to point out the approaching iceberg. But in the last few years, I have picked up my boxing gloves.

Funny thing about these fights - they have left me battered, bruised, bloodied, and beaten. But they have never left me defeated.”

From It’s a Street Fight (March 16, 2019)

“Embracing, as carefree lovers lost in time, grants us assurance that the sting of pain and

Suffering will not prevail; even death cannot shade us from the brilliance of our miraculous humanity.

Yet when we try to contemplate life’s glorious wonder, we are left speechless and can only sit in quiet silence and appreciate the steady beat of our hearts.”

From No Man is an Island (June 9, 2019)

“Creation

With our last breath the fears and regrets that once haunted us escape from our minds,

Yet linger still in the courage of those who come after us,

An inheritance brighter than gold or silver but nonetheless more valuable;

Dreaming of the unlimited stories they will create, with hills and valleys that are part of every journey,

Is the salve that heals our spirits and helps us send forth hope like a cannon shot.”

From All is Not Lost (November 19, 2019)

“Years ago I felt like it was a curse to be mediocre at many things. I thought I had to be a superstar in every area of my life—teacher, husband, dad, son. As a preacher once told me, “You can be perfect.” What a lie. In reality, my pursuit of perfection was exhausting.  There is no way we can be amazing at everything. No matter what life coaches try to tell us.

You may have heard the term “imposter syndrome” described as the feeling that you will never be good enough. It is pitched as something that goes away when you reach the pinnacle of success. But that could not be further from the truth. Every day when I roll out of bed and look in the mirror, I see an imposter staring back at me.”

From I Am the Okayest! (January 19, 2020)

“If God is Asleep…

What will be our greatest focus?

What will be our most frivolous fear?

What will be our lasting legacy?

If God is Asleep…should we even wake him?”

From What if God is Asleep? (February 11, 2020)

“Frozen in time

This icy state of indifference weighs heavily on the soul

Crushing the vital air from our lungs and making us long for the touch of another human.

Suspended animation

This cartoon-like existence impels us to ponder what is real

Living each day through our rhythmic routines and wondering when a sense of normalcy will return.”

From All Together Separate (April 4, 2020)

“As with so many other worried souls, I once believed that I was powerless, but now my reflection is coming into focus; the lessons I learned from traversing my treacherous paths now energize and refresh my aching feet.

When the night is dark and the rumbling that stirs in distant retreating formations slowly fades into tomorrow, I smile to know that the storms of my yesterday now give way to the clear skies that warm my face as I confront the coming day with virtue and resolve.”

From Dodging Lightning (May 10, 2020)

 

“Life floating by on wispy clouds as we remain tethered to the ground;

Completely in chains, yet free.

This isolation and emptiness are punishments it seems, a cruel prison sentence on those

That long to see the faces of other floating ghosts.

We know they are out there; we remember them

From the age of normalcy, as we cry out for a return to a time of rat races and ordinary stress.”

From We Are Ghosts (July 16, 2020)

INTERVIEWER: Would you consider yourself a great teacher?

TEACHER: Interesting question. But the answer is no, not particularly. In fact, I jokingly say that I “aspire to goodness.”

INTERVIEWER: Wow, I have never heard anyone put it that way. Explain “aspiring to goodness” for me.

TEACHER: I guess I should back up and say that I struggled as a student. There was always something holding me back. Later I found out it was a combination of lack of confidence, imposter syndrome, and my ADHD. Somehow, I earned “more degrees than a thermometer” as my dad would have said. But there was always a restlessness in me that held me back from being a great teacher --my thirst for knowledge, hobbies and collections, relationships, religion, music, and other distractions. Oh, I am not saying I didn’t have flashes of greatness; I think all teachers do. But I remember feeling in the last third of my career that I would rather be “good” than “great.”

From Aspire to Goodness (2032) (October 25, 2020)

“Life is about quality, not quantity. I have no aspirations of living to 100. All I want to do is increase the quality of my years. That includes my personal desire to become a better human being.

I refuse to let life lead me around like a stray dog on a leash. I know it owns me, but I want to feel the freedom to make choices about the direction where I will go. I want to explore. I want to find all the hidden treasures life has to offer. Most of all, I want to treasure all that I have.”

From GET BETTER (January 3, 2021)

“The meaning of life is what you make it. What you craft it into. What you design it to be. When you reach the end, it may appear in the eyes of the world to be senseless garbage. Or it might be a work of art crafted out of the tinsel, fluff, and trash of your life; like a toddler decorating a Christmas tree. It is messy. But just like a toddler, since you don’t know any better, it is the tree of your creation. Just like the toddler, you can smile and know you did your best. Even if the world only sees it as garbage. 

Take comfort in knowing that everyone is on a parallel journey to find meaning in it all.” 

From The Meaning (Making) of Life (January 24, 2021)

“Knowing you will not see it is not the source of the tears…but the realization that it WILL happen.

Life will proceed on with our passing;

More sights, sounds, music, love, pets, exciting scientific discoveries, and an abundance of great food

The tears are a realization that love is the source of all bliss for the future ones…and love will carry them forward and fill them to overflowing.”

From The Bliss of Life (March 5, 2021)

“Universe, you were created from a collection of dust and a mass of explosions billions of years ago, yet somehow you formed me, a sentient being, from that dust. A being that now struggles with the quality and deeper meaning of his life until I am returned to dust once more. Help me to realize that my brief spark of life has no particular meaning in and of itself, but I choose to create meaning out of this chaos.”

From Meaning Out of Chaos (A Re-Framing of the Serenity Prayer) (April 12, 2021)

“My hope is that everyone at some point in their life has this revelation. That they come to understand the commonalities of human existence and that we all have our battles, hardships, loneliness, and emptiness to fight. Some may not openly reveal it but it is there. Always there. There are no easy answers. There is no resolution or solution. There is only life, and breathing, and pain. But it is the glue that binds us to our brothers and sisters who share this blood and DNA.”

From There is No “Someday” (May 16, 2021)