The Reality of Loneliness

When evening draws to a close, and the night’s silent whispers

Bring to mind the emptiness of the night, I wish for the arms of my love

And hope that those arms will bring me warmth and peace

Loneliness is common to every man, a stalking beast with a split personality

Sometimes leading us toward a sense of terror and despair but at the same time

Giving us comfort from the world’s noise; how can that be?

What I learn from being alone is to enjoy the quiet and disappear in my thoughts,

To dream of past and future; to wonder what might have been and what will be.

Loneliness is a silent partner that speaks the loudest in your heart.

How can we be lonely in a crowd of thousands; why don’t those faces bring us comfort,

Knowing that their hearts beat just like ours and they seek the same things?

Somehow a veil hides the truth; we somehow worry that loneliness is unique to us.

Kingdoms rise and fall, yet great men and women of power and prestige 

All share the common emotion of loneliness at one point in their lives.

Comfort may come in many forms, some destructive and some in a lover’s embrace.

Loneliness is a chronic illness that shows itself even in times of great joy and great happiness

Like a tank of gas that has to be replenished, love is the only thing that can fill that void:

Love of a mighty God, a soft voice, or the children of your inheritance, all these may be used as a salve for this disease.

We must all face the beast, but know that time alone is both a blessing and a curse.

Make of it what it needs to be; a time of reflection and review; a time of hope and strength;

Know that it will come and go, but fill the emptiness as you must.

When the morning shines anew, loneliness fades with the newness of hope.

How Do You Know?

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.  The important thing is not to stop questioning.” ~Albert Einstein

As I have said before, this life produces more questions than it does answers. As soon as we accept that notion, the more understanding we will be of other people and their personalities, thoughts, feelings and beliefs. In the last few months I have run into statements that beg the question “How do you know?”  I will present each statement and then discuss my thoughts on that mentality.

I am not racist.  Many people believe racism is dead just because we elected a Black president. I would love for that to be the case.  I believe racism, sexism, classism, and all its filthy counterparts are alive and well in America. They reside in the hearts of anyone with a beating heart.  However, there is quite a difference between being racist, and being a racist.  All of us harbor feelings about other races that surface at times when we least expect them, untrue beliefs about individuals and what they stood for, and stereotypes taught to us at a young age. But we can change and grow.  For example, I recently read the Autobiography of Malcolm X. I had heard that he was a hate monger and preached violent revolution.  Although the first few years of his time after prison were marked by radical thoughts and feelings toward whites as being evil, his views changed drastically the last two years of his life. But you would only know that if you read and discovered these facts by yourself.  I guess my point is that you should not judge someone without the facts.  You should also believe that anyone, because of the fact that they are human, can harbor some feelings of racism. We must weigh each thought and action and strive to see all others as equals. It can be a struggle, but we are all capable of change.

I am a ____________________(teacher, preacher, mother, father, lawyer, etc).  My profession is teaching. I have a gift for it and I have taught all the way from middle school to my present job as a college professor.  But that does not define me completely.  I am also a father and a Christian and a son.  All of those facets of me shine forth at different times in my life. If I believe that if I am defined as just a teacher, then I miss the chance to grow and develop those other parts of my life.  When you ask a woman what she does and she responds, hanging her head, that she is just a stay-at-home mom, that makes me sad. Mainly because she has put herself in a box and defined herself in those terms. She should be proud of her position and it is a worthwhile job indeed.  I love my kids, but the reality is that they eventually grow up and develop a life for themselves, and your interactions with them will wane.  If you define yourself as just a mother and the kids grow up, you have limited your ability to change and grow the other areas in your life that are hidden, and you may fall into depression when they move out.  So don’t define yourself by any one category. Change the definition of who you are constantly, like a moving target, so that no one define you or think they know everything about you. That is your gift to yourself.

I could never do_________________because that is not who I am.  Whether it is good or bad, never say that you are not capable of something. Many people say they are incapable of great sin or failure and, when it happens, they are so surprised.  They have discounted the fact that they are human beings with a tendency to screw up. No one is immune.  People also limit themselves because they feel something is not within their personality or present abilities.  Whether we want to accept it or not, everyone can change. Are you the same person you were in high school?  I hope not. So don’t discount the fact that you might be able to do something great and new. Run that marathon. Get that additional degree. Prove to yourself and others that you are capable of much more than they or yourself ever thought.  I am living proof that your personality changes and your abilities can change as you age.  Five years ago I had nearly given up on my life and on being healthy.  Now I have a doctorate and exercise at least 4 times a week.  You can change. Give yourself that opportunity. Be a lifelong learner and be willing to learn by forcing yourself to do things out of your comfort zone. That is the key to growth.

This is what I heard...  Never believe anything unless you find out for yourself.  Read a book.  Watch a movie.  Do some library or Internet research.  In the Malcolm X book, he talks about the fact that he never trusted anyone 100%.  The most he would ever trust anyone was 75%.  That is a good policy to have. Many people put too much stock in “man” instead of finding out for themselves.  Do not let anyone rule you or push you around. Think for yourself. If you want to know the truth about a person’s life, read their biography.  If you want to know about a subject in more detail, don’t just ask others, but seek and find the answer for yourself.  Open your eyes to the possibility that there is something you don’t know. Be an explorer and discover the truth.  In many ways, it will “set you free”.  Also, don’t believe things about yourself that you know are untrue. In the court of public opinion, others may crucify you, but inside your heart you know the kind of person you are and no one can change that. If your reputation has been scarred, start building a new one.  Prove to those who don’t believe in you that you still believe in yourself.

I am a Christian, and this is what that should look like.  In my life as a Christian, I have changed a number of times.  I was Catholic growing up and changed to the Baptist church in my early twenties.  In the last 25 years, my view of the church has changed in many ways. In the last couple of years, I have come to realize that Christians come in many shapes and sizes and with a range of beliefs related to the church and Christ himself.  All I know is that I am a follower of the person Jesus Christ.  Be nervous of anyone that comes to you and says “This is the way a Christian needs to be…and there is no variation.”  I love meeting Christians of other denominations and talking with them about their faith. I also want to talk to other faiths and learn about their traditions.  That does not make me less of a Christian.  I just want to see the perspective that others have about life and how they live out their faith.  In the end, as Christians, we have to make up our minds about how we will follow Jesus, and it will constantly change and evolve the longer we live. Finally, don’t blame the church for its failures in the past. Know that churches are run by imperfect individuals with a propensity to fail.  Go back to the teachings of the man known as Christ and your faith will be renewed.

Some of these comments may offend my readers.  So I remind you that these are my beliefs. Make up your mind for yourself if you believe them or not.  But most of all, use your mind when making decisions in life. Don’t sell yourself short.  Don’t ever believe you have arrived. Most of all, don’t put yourself in a box.  You are so much more to yourself and the world.

A Letter to Dr. King (From a White Brother)

“The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.  We cannot walk alone.” 

~Martin Luther King, Jr. from his I Have a Dream Speech

Dear Dr. King,

It has been over 50 years since your famous speech.  I was not born until 1967, so I missed all of the Civil Rights movement. I was still in diapers on that fateful day when you left us too soon.

I would have loved to know you. I can see us sitting down for coffee and talking about the fate of mankind if hate continued to rule the day; to hear the stories of how you marched and gave speeches and prayed for hope.  I wonder what you would think about the progress we have made for racial equality.  There are hundreds of streets named after you; one in at least every major city.  We have a national holiday set aside in your name.  A day to remember.  A day to serve.  We elected a Black president in 2008, a great sign indeed.  But there are many roads to cross and many miles to go before your dream is realized.  I think you would have hoped for so much more.

Unemployment and crime are still too high.  A staggering number of Black men populate the prison systems. Black females are not given equal footing in employment.  Education, though better, is still segregated by income and location.  Black children are denied an equal education in many parts of the country.  Racism is still an ever-present reality, though now it lurks in the shadows and hides in plain sight.

Many have tried to attack your legacy by labelling you as a troublemaker and by reminding us that you had sins and failures as a man.  I choose to ignore those comments, because I have had my own failures.  I am an imperfect Christian just as you were and have made my share of mistakes, but that does not discount my legacy any more than it did yours.  I overcame those failures in my life and earned a doctorate in 2013.  Now I can use my knowledge and experiences to do research on Black students pursuing science careers and also train future science and math teachers who are sensitive to the needs of many races and cultures.

I cannot speak for the rest of the nation and the world, but one of the greatest changes has been within my own heart.  I confronted my demons and stared my stereotypes and prejudices in the face.  I cannot say they have all been conquered.  They still rear their ugly head at times.  But I have learned how much privilege I have because of the color of MY skin. I also realized the profound difference I can make in this world by growing in the strength of my empathy, listening to the stories of those scarred by racism, and doing research into the lived experiences of Black college students, scientists, and science and math teachers.  I am also reading every piece of literature I can find about the Black experience.  It will never be enough, but it is a start.

Finally, I am auditing a class at my current university called Intro to African American Studies.  On the first day of class, I felt the reality of psychologist Claude Steele’s theory of stereotype threat when I walked into a class of 36 Black students, one Asian student, and one very White guy (me).  I wondered if I belonged there and I wondered what you would have thought of my being there. I have come to realize that you would have applauded my presence. Just the fact that the class is allowed and welcomed on the campus is the first victory. The second is that I can stand with my Black brothers and sisters and experience their culture firsthand. It was hard not to cry the first day of class, as I considered what a privilege it was to be there.  I look forward to learning and growing the rest of the semester.

There are many people that I would love to meet who have gone on before us, and you are one. As a Christian, we both believe the day will come when we can share our stories for eternity. I look forward to meeting you and shaking your hand.  Thank you for your legacy.  May we repay you by working tirelessly so that your dream will not be in vain.

Sincerely,

Dr. David Sparks

January 20, 2014

Change from the Inside Out

“Although I would like our world to change, it helps me to appreciate those nights and those dreams.

But my friend, I’d sacrifice all those nights, if I could make the Earth and my dreams the same.”

~ Creed

I want so much to change people. The broken characters in recent movies show me their fatal flaws. Some are worse than others.  I may even secretly wish for their death.  I want others to be like me:  listen to my music, feel what it’s like to long for social change and not know where to start, and understand my approach to solving problems.  I guess I want a clone of myself. I want even one person to understand me. But these efforts are fruitless.  In general, everyone seeks approval. We struggle and fight to be understood. We post pleas for understanding on Facebook and are disappointed when the number of “likes” is low.  I am learning that this constant appeal for approval is misguided.  It is a rat race, a dead end.  So how must we conduct our lives in this respect?

I first want us to consider how we became the person we are today.  I also want to consider the very evident fact that we are not where we want to be. When I say that I realize that there are individuals who are content with themselves and the possibility of them changing is not extremely high. So in my discussions, I am not referring to those human beings. I am speaking to those of us who choose to learn, grow, adapt, and improve each day. 

Our present situation and mindset is a combination of our genetic programming, our upbringing, the education we have chosen (and sometimes endured), and the choices we have made. It is also a product of the way we have faced adversity and how we came out on the other side.  We know many of our own positive attributes and a few of our faults; the faults being infinitely more hard to swallow. When we are young, it is natural to be focused inward, on meeting our physical needs, and worrying about our future. As we age and settle into a career, our thoughts must go deeper as we seek higher goals.

We daily look in the mirror, and see this person, and then we move away.  Do we hope for more, besides a little more hair or one or two less wrinkles?  I think the reason superheroes appeal to us is because they have powers that we envy:  superstrength, X-ray vision, eternal life, or super speed.  We want to be superhuman.  We want to be so much more than this lump of flesh with a finite shelf life and an expiration date that is largely unknown.  But we must come to grips that we are not superhuman. It is sobering, but it a part of who we are as the human race.

So what can we change?  Can we overcome our intense desire for acceptance?  Can we make a difference in our short time on Earth?  I think we can.  But having said that, I cannot obsess over the person I am not, only strive a little each day to be an improvement. Find a social cause and do what you can to get involved.  Look outside of yourself and help someone less fortunate than you.  Set a goal for yourself and meet it; a fitness goal or a life change that can be an inspiration to others.  Don’t worry so much about pleasing others or your Facebook status.  Your personal thermometer should include two things:  have I strived today to be a better person and have I helped someone in need. It is fulfilling to our souls, our faith, and our duty to mankind.

It is a process of introspection, a daily test of self-evaluation and goal setting. It should be as natural as the air we breathe.  It is not a mandatory part of living. We can choose to stay where we are. But it is worth the struggle to move up the hill to view a place where we can be. Having said that, I realize that the process of becoming involves three steps forward and two steps back.  It is a rocky mountain climb. But we must strive to continue moving upward. May we always make decisions that please heaven and give us rest, knowing we are making progress toward the person we want to become.  For those worried you are being selfish in this process, consider that Jesus said we must love our neighbor as ourselves, implying we must first get the affairs of our own conscience in order before we can be of any benefit to others.

The mark of a difference made is not changing the world, because so few of us will.  We may make a name for ourselves in our careers, add to a body of knowledge, and have our 15 minutes of fame, but that success may be short lived. The mark of a difference made is when we fold our hands to leave this world, can we put our regrets to rest and have we proved to our self and others that this life is worth the trouble?

Growing Up: It’s Not What You Think

"When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so.  Now that I am fifty, I read them openly.  When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."~C.S. Lewis

How do you know when you have officially grown up?  Is there a magic age when you realize your potential and start acting maturely, showing your God-given potential, and expressing your values clearly to the world?  Is there a time when you feel good in your own skin, when you can approach your imperfections with humility, and seek improvements without self-condemnation?

Balance is something that many individuals desire but never achieve.  Becoming fit without becoming too prideful in our appearance. Becoming a good example of our religion without coming across as pious and losing sight of social issues that exemplify our religion.  Becoming knowledgeable without appearing a know-it-all or unteachable.  Achieving personal and lifetime goals for the right motives, not to prove others wrong. 

I am currently at a point where I am reflecting on my first 45 years.  There have been mistakes and many learning experiences.  Professionally I have reached the goal that I strived for my entire life.  So where do I go from here? How do I rebuild myself in this new career from the ground up? I am constantly torn between riding the status quo and coasting or pushing myself into new territory. I am convinced that the best way to learn something new is to be made to do it. Learning a new language.  Deciding what should be the focus of my research.   Even preparing a new dish in the kitchen.  I want to be a lifelong learner.  I want to be a reader in a television world; a poet in a world of novelists.

What does it mean to be comfortable in your own skin?  Does it mean that we never have to make improvements? Does it mean we are confident that we have arrived, that we have nothing else to learn?  I think it means that we don’t panic when we see an extra pound or two on the scale. We just get back to the gym and start counting calories.  I think it means that we can take constructive criticism without falling into depression but also without completely discounting the critique. It means we carefully weigh decisions and have enough confidence in ourselves to pull the trigger.

Many people live their whole lives for that Mt. Everest moment.  Once they have jammed their flag in the summit, their lives are essentially over.  They have no more goals.  They cannot reinvent themselves.  I don’t want to be that person; always living in the past.  Neither do I want to be the person that lives with the scars of regret.  In the end, I want to be the kind of person that has lived…really lived. But I want to enjoy the ride and be able to laugh at myself as well. Our life is a mystery, but it is no mystery that maturity will always allude us if we take ourselves too seriously. 

Every day is the chance to climb a new summit, meet a new challenge.  May I always be ready to say “What can I learn today?” “How can I be a better person today than I was yesterday?”  But may I also be able to look in the mirror and know that I am stuck with the image I see.  I am who I am; imperfections and all. Maturity is not marked by a specific age, and it is always about the journey, not the destination.

Maturity means looking in the mirror and smiling at the person you have become, while reflecting the hopes of the person you want to be.