Me: Good afternoon, sir. Great to see you again. It has been a while. You said you wanted to talk about happiness. Is that correct?
Me2: Yes, I think I do. I have actually found it, I believe.
But I am not sure. It has been so many years. I can’t tell if it is happiness
or contentment. Or something in between. I need help to figure out what this is
that I am feeling.
Me: It does seem strange that you don’t know. Isn’t
this something you should recognize right away?
Me2: Maybe. I believe it started over 30 years ago. I guess
I should back up all the way to college.
Me: Wow, you should have warned me to wear comfortable
shoes for this journey.
Me2: You know I love a good story. Have I ever have done
anything quickly? Buckle up!
Me: You have a point. Proceed.
Me2: I could not bring myself to stay where I grew up. I had
to move away and prove that I could do what I set my mind to. I finished my
degree, then I ended up back in my hometown. Exactly where I did NOT want to
be. But I took it in stride and looked for new challenges. I thought it would
be marriage and raising a family and becoming a teacher. Becoming a godly man
and getting a respectable job. I guess it worked for a few years. But I kept pushing
myself to find more challenges to face. More mountains to climb.
Me: So, you are saying you could only be happy if you
were challenged and if you were trying to prove yourself? Must have been
frustrating.
Me2: Yes, it was frustrating, but I was not sure how to
stop. It felt like I was going at full speed and one crisis after another was
taking my time away from myself. Chipping off a little more each day until I
was just an empty shell. A husk. Always someone I needed to take care of. I
remember helping my summer roommate at college in 1989. Young freshman who went
out drinking and stumbled back to the dorm. I brought him a trash can and put
cold rags on his forehead. This was even before I was married and had kids. I
felt the burden of solving a problem or being “the grown up in the room” even
then. Of putting others before me even if it scraped away at my psyche. And it
never stopped.
Me: How many years did this go on?
Me2: Wow, after about 17 years of marriage I was still caught
in that cycle of wins and losses, giving in and giving myself away until there
was nothing left. Then in 2008, I decided to take the leap for my doctorate. To
finally do something for myself. You could call it selfish, but it was
something I always wanted to do.
Me: I would think that would do the trick. Didn’t that
make you happy?
Me2: Its crazy but I still felt like a failure. A big, fat
failure. I tried to be less of a man, too. Literally. Got into fitness and lost
lots of weight. More than once. Felt great for a time and then the weight would
come back. As it always did. Anyway, long story short – I finished my
doctorate, then started toward tenure, had that derailed, then back on track in
a new city, and finally made tenure 33 years after receiving my bachelors. Even
after that, I felt I was still not there yet. Still trying to prove myself,
although it was a little better. But you know all this. Why am I telling you?
Me: Well, I am you, so that makes sense.
Me2: True. But I am on a roll, so I might as well finish. The
last 15 years there was a force of love driving me forward. Loving me when I
didn’t love myself. Encouraging me and believing in me. Willing to go anywhere
and do anything to make me happy. That is my wife. After the divorce in 2011, I
was spent. Empty. Devoid of hope. But her love and her smile brought me back
from the dead little by little. She was that invisible force that kept pushing me,
but only hard enough to lighten the burden. She was and is the wind behind my back.
But even then, I refused to allow myself to be complete. I felt like I had to
struggle in order to be happy. That I had to have an impossible challenge facing
me at all times. A character flaw I guess. I thought happiness meant always
having a boulder and a burden on my back. Having said all that…
Me: (Snort) Sorry, I dozed off there for a minute. Having
said ALL that….go on.
Me2: Try to keep up! Having said all that, then came the two
years of reset. I was humbled to move back to DFW and start over with something
that I used to really love to do. Teach. I poured myself into giving back to
high school students and proved that I still had the skills to be an effective
educator. Struggles were always there, like trying and failing to train the dog
that sadly we had to get rid of after the biting incident. Now that time has
passed and I am starting to heal from the pain of that decision, life seems to
be settling into a steady rhythm. A steady calm. But you know what’s crazy?
Me: After listening to all this, I would have to say “You!”
Me2: Well, I can’t argue with you there. I would have to be
slightly mental to go through all this just to finally reach some semblance of
normal. I guess my point is that I now have nothing to fix that is broken,
nothing to prove that I haven’t already proven, and all those physical and
spiritual needs that have haunted me in the past all seem to be fulfilled. And
I guess that scares me. With age comes wisdom and the older I get, the less I
enjoy drama, the more I love the simple joy of watching TV and holding my wife’s
hand, or the low-key thrill of reading a good book while sipping on coffee. I
am simultaneously happy and also mad at myself for not diving headfirst into some
new and crazy challenge to prove myself to someone or something again. But now
that feeling is in the back of my mind, not ruling everything I do.I also never
knew I could be so happy “retired” from religion and embracing doubts as a way
of life. Not fearing what happens after this life, but content in experiencing
all I can with the life I have in front of me. That has been a delightful
surprise.
Me: So it sounds like you have figured it out without
me. But it was nice hearing you say it. My only advice to you is – enjoy this
happiness while it is in your reach. Challenges are ahead. I 100% guarantee that
to be true. But you appear to have strengthened your resolve to face them all
with courage. Maybe THAT is the true sign of happiness… knowing that whatever happens
in the future, you have seen it all and are ready to face whatever life throws
at you.
Me2: Yes, I think that is the point. And looking back in
that rearview mirror, I see that all that worry and strife was necessary to
make me the man I am today. My inner resolve has taken me to me to some wild
and wonderful places. I will no longer feel guilty for being happy. I have to
believe it is some kind of reward for all that I have accomplished. And if I
know myself, I will not be content until I find another mountain or two to
climb. But as long as I have love as the wind in my sails, I can’t fail. Onward
and upward!
Me: Great! Very poetic. (Rolls my eyes) Now let’s go
to sleep. We have lots of thinking to do tomorrow…and some new mountains to
climb.
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