Organized Chaos

Of all the oxymorons I have ever heard, I believe organized chaos is my favorite.

It seems to describe my life better than any other term. Sure, I have routines every day like getting ready for work, taking medications and vitamins, ironing my clothes, and the almost religious indulgence of morning coffee. Then there are schedules to follow and meetings on the calendar and required activities that will not go away.

But in my head is the realm of disorganization. The place that I both loathe and cherish at the same time. The place where the future tries to come into focus, but is blurred by a lack of confidence, insecurity, distractions, and any number of useless and time-consuming hobbies and collections. The realms of discipline, perseverance, stamina, resolve, and focus are derailed by the pull of the random. Even when listening to music, it is torture to decide which songs or artists I should listen to. That is usually why I let the shuffle feature decide for me.

I think I despise silence most of all. Invariably, I feel the need to fill it with music or conversation. For in the silence, demons rear their ugly heads, reminders of deadlines and priorities gnaw at me like hungry piranha, and the reality of my mortality stares at me like a vulture ready to pounce on my scattered remains. So music is usually my numbing drug of choice to drown out the clammering voices.

Although it can be exhilarating to clean and organize my home, car, and office, it is sometimes comforting to leave them to fallow and corrupt for a time. To view them in their unorganized state feeds some part of my muddled psyche. Not upsetting that clumsy equilibrium, the kind of balance that gives nightmares to a typical hoarder, is something that brings me unexplained comfort. But in time, that urge fades and order is restored once more.

In a sense, we are all oxymorons; confused and seeking a path that is both clear and unclear at the same time. Never fear the silence, for in silence we find the priorities that give our life clarity, and the strength to push forward through the chaos that clouds our path.