Defining Moments

“…It's when you know you're licked before you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do."

~from To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee (1926-2016)

A while back I was listening to a few albums from the 70s. Some particular groups had a string of successful hits and nailing down one particular best album from them is hard to do. Those supergroups, it seemed, never produced a bad record. Then you have your one-hit wonders. I try to avoid the albums with those particular songs, knowing that it might be the highlight of an otherwise terrible musical career. You also find groups that produced a number of mediocre records, then burst into superstardom with a record that literally broke the charts. After that record, they were never able to replicate that level of stardom again.  When I am in the record stores, I look for those albums because they represent the group in their heyday; at the top of their game.

When we are at the end of our lives and we look back and reflect on our greatest moment, will we be able to pin it down to one major event? I used to believe that we all have one star moment, fifteen minutes of fame, moment in the sun, or time on top of the world. But is it that easy to pin down? Is it even useful or necessary to try and pin it down? To me it is like catching the elusive greased pig that we think we have a hold of, but slips easily through our fingers. Just when we think we have that defining moment defined, it is replaced with an ever better one.

In the case of the thrill seeker, it is the search for Mt. Everest. What happens when Everest is conquered? There are no more taller mountains to climb. Maybe it is on to the next challenge. Check that one off your bucket list.  Then again, many die trying to climb Everest. Then your defining moment becomes a moment of shame. You are a frozen memory on a barren rock with an epitaph of “almost made it.” Sadly, sometimes our defining moment is one of lost opportunities, unmet goals, and dashed dreams. So should we never chase the mountaintops? That is not necessarily what I am saying. The problem is that there is always another one to climb. Seeking an ever-higher goal may be as fruitless as chasing the wind. A Christian may claim their salvation experience as the defining moment in their lives. But after the fire insurance is purchased, are they making any kind of difference in the world around them? Or are they standing on the promises of the past and putting all their stock in that one moment in time.

I am not a thrill seeker, but I have to admit that I look for those mountaintops more than I should. When I received my doctorate, I thought I had reached the pinnacle. But then an offer of a tenure-track position replaced that goal with a higher mountain. There are other things in my life that, at the time, seemed like a defining moment, but then I realized that I have many more moments to create. I cried when my son was born, but every day he wins a battle over depression and anxiety and moves closer toward his degree, I wonder how many more defining moments I will trace over the course of his journey. I remember my daughter as the apple of my eye, wearing her pig tails and spinning around trees after school, with her big round glasses and her contagious laugh. But now that she is through with college and starting a new career, I wait for the moments that will define her future, and change mine for the better, as I watch her grow and develop as an adult.

I still seek to finish my tenure process. I hope to write a book someday. To travel overseas. To win awards for my second career. But since our time on earth is short and we never know if we will have the luxury of looking back, I chose to make each day a defining moment. I chose to define my life by seeking to live it to the fullest. Because it is how we live the moments of everyday existence that define us.

So keep chasing those dreams. Keep fulfilling promises to yourself and to those you love. Make a name for yourself. Rest assured that you have written your life story on the moments of the past, but know that an abundance of defining moments are always around the next corner. 

I Dance When No One is Looking

Prim and proper…ironed and pressed…awaiting the challenges of the day.

Impressions to be made.

Rights to be wronged.

Fires to put out.

Lessons to be taught.

Yet an undercurrent of gratitude and thankfulness pervades the mundaneness of this daily grind.

Feeling blessed some may call it, but it is a benefit of breathing and sharing the oxygen around us with our fellow strugglers.

An outpouring of this gratitude is expressed in private moments in my car and behind my desk…

When an inexplicable incident of smiling spreads across my face as my toe taps and gyrations are produced that, under a watchful eye, would cause any grown man to blush.

No audience is present; no record contracts or visions of stardom; no one to impress.

Just a freedom of movement and motion that keeps despair at bay and fights off the thick depression that can accompany reality.

This private dancing is a reminder that my heart still beats and, because of that, there is still a reason to dance.

Healing Flood

Rain, wash it away.

As I sit here in my easy chair I know there are many hurting. There are many starving. There are many being held by addictions or suffering through the ravages of war. Yet, I must be thankful.

Rain, wash it away.

Should I feel guilty for being thankful? Should I feel guilty for the ability to breathe and feel my pulse as blood forces its way through my heart? I am thankful for another day, for another storm.

Rain, wash it away.

My guilt for past failures sticks to me like mud. My struggles and pain and regrets cling to me like the smell from a ravaging fire. And yet, I have come out on the other side covered in ash and soot but very much alive.

Rain, wash it away.

With each holiday or remembrance, the pundits and prophets and machines of political correction remind us of why we should not celebrate and how we have failed. Yet we must meet in fellowship to honor the things we hold sacred. Our failures are many, but our sense of community is vital as a species and as a race of imperfect people.

Rain, wash it away.

As I sit and listen to the falling rain wash away all traces of holiday revelry, I remember the thirsty land that welcomes this falling nectar and I am happy for the Earth as it receives its nourishment. Just as the Earth is fed by the rains, so must I receive the sustaining power of love as it carries away my fear.

Rain, wash it away.

Though reasons are apparent all around us for why we should be angry or worried or hopeless, we must never let them take hold. We must let this healing flood slowly and steadily cleanse us as we await the sustaining sunshine of hope.

The Brilliant Flame: A Tale of Life and Death

Do we really have a choice?

Are we able to overcome the genetics that rule us; unseen codes that lead us onward into that future of our misguided dreams?

No matter how hard we try, our destiny is sealed; the future is the same for all of us on this orb.

Should we even try?

Making the destinies that we desire is an illusion, a somber trip that lulls us into believing we are more than a speck of dust in this multitude of mountains and valleys.

Is it real or is it a reality of our choosing?

The older I get the more I believe that every human is the same-- a number of heartbeats, doing the job that feeds us and pays our bills; nourishing ourselves; giving and receiving love and praying to our deity of choice.

But is there more?

Can this life have more meaning than that, and if it doesn’t, can that still be OK?

This reality is the only one we have; the only future we make is the one we build piece by piece and day by day; but do not be fooled into thinking all of our choices are our own.

The blood and bones and DNA that pulses through us all guides us forward like a seeing eye dog into a reality that is blind to our choosing; some choices are only revealed through a pattern of calculated mysteries.

We know our destiny, yet we travel on; optimistic but knowing the future is a dark place with only hope to take us by the hand and lead us to that place of rest.

Try and escape your genetics if you must, but know it is an invisible force that betrays your sense of the real and the righteous; it controls us more than we know.

The future is a bright and burning sun that flames and then is no more.

Maybe we are that bright sun, but let us bring forth a beautiful display of brilliance as we wave goodbye.

Grieving is as Breathing

Let the tears flow, my love.

Grieving is as breathing.

Grieve for all that was and all that was lost.

Grieve for missing a life that you knew was yours.  You held it, but it slipped away like a handful of sand.

Grieve for those who love but do not know how to express it, but instead hide in the shadows and scream in silence over the life they have chosen.

They see their past as but a memory; fleeting yet within your grasp.

Grieve for those who have passed on to a new journey.

Know that your journey will someday end as well, but work remains;

Do not let grief set your feet in stone.

Grieve for those who have lost more than they can bear.  Hold them up and bear the burden for them; walk in their shoes and wipe away their tears.

Breathing is the only thing we must do to help the grief subside;

Time continues on and eases the pain with each new turn of the Earth.

The tears of grieving will fill the oceans, but the sun will always shine again to dry them up; allow it to do its much needed work.

The tears will flow, my love.

But flow they must.