Of all the oxymorons I have ever heard, I believe organized chaos is my favorite.
It seems to describe my life better than any other term. Sure,
I have routines every day like getting ready for work, taking medications and
vitamins, ironing my clothes, and the almost religious indulgence of morning
coffee. Then there are schedules to follow and meetings on the calendar and
required activities that will not go away.
But in my head is the realm of disorganization. The place
that I both loathe and cherish at the same time. The place where the future tries
to come into focus, but is blurred by a lack of confidence, insecurity,
distractions, and any number of useless and time-consuming hobbies and collections.
The realms of discipline, perseverance, stamina, resolve, and focus are derailed
by the pull of the random. Even when listening to music, it is torture to
decide which songs or artists I should listen to. That is usually why I let the
shuffle feature decide for me.
I think I despise silence most of all. Invariably, I feel the
need to fill it with music or conversation. For in the silence, demons rear
their ugly heads, reminders of deadlines and priorities gnaw at me like hungry piranha,
and the reality of my mortality stares at me like a vulture ready to pounce on
my scattered remains. So music is usually my numbing drug of choice to drown
out the clammering voices.
Although it can be exhilarating to clean and organize my
home, car, and office, it is sometimes comforting to leave them to fallow and
corrupt for a time. To view them in their unorganized state feeds some part of
my muddled psyche. Not upsetting that clumsy equilibrium, the kind of balance that gives
nightmares to a typical hoarder, is something that brings me unexplained comfort.
But in time, that urge fades and order is restored once more.
In a sense, we are all oxymorons; confused and seeking a path
that is both clear and unclear at the same time. Never fear the silence, for in
silence we find the priorities that give our life clarity, and the strength to
push forward through the chaos that clouds our path.
