Organized Chaos

Of all the oxymorons I have ever heard, I believe organized chaos is my favorite.

It seems to describe my life better than any other term. Sure, I have routines every day like getting ready for work, taking medications and vitamins, ironing my clothes, and the almost religious indulgence of morning coffee. Then there are schedules to follow and meetings on the calendar and required activities that will not go away.

But in my head is the realm of disorganization. The place that I both loathe and cherish at the same time. The place where the future tries to come into focus, but is blurred by a lack of confidence, insecurity, distractions, and any number of useless and time-consuming hobbies and collections. The realms of discipline, perseverance, stamina, resolve, and focus are derailed by the pull of the random. Even when listening to music, it is torture to decide which songs or artists I should listen to. That is usually why I let the shuffle feature decide for me.

I think I despise silence most of all. Invariably, I feel the need to fill it with music or conversation. For in the silence, demons rear their ugly heads, reminders of deadlines and priorities gnaw at me like hungry piranha, and the reality of my mortality stares at me like a vulture ready to pounce on my scattered remains. So music is usually my numbing drug of choice to drown out the clammering voices.

Although it can be exhilarating to clean and organize my home, car, and office, it is sometimes comforting to leave them to fallow and corrupt for a time. To view them in their unorganized state feeds some part of my muddled psyche. Not upsetting that clumsy equilibrium, the kind of balance that gives nightmares to a typical hoarder, is something that brings me unexplained comfort. But in time, that urge fades and order is restored once more.

In a sense, we are all oxymorons; confused and seeking a path that is both clear and unclear at the same time. Never fear the silence, for in silence we find the priorities that give our life clarity, and the strength to push forward through the chaos that clouds our path.

Shattered

We are the broken, the shattered.
Pieces lying on the ground with no blueprint or
scheme to make them right.

We are the sunrise, the sunset.
Rays of light spreading hope like medicine, yet
disappearing again to remind us that all things must pass.

We are the soldiers, the warriors.
Living is our enemy and monotony is the
villain that sucks out joy and robs us of daily deliverances.

We are the pottery, cured in the flames.
Molded into comforting shapes that bestow on us reminders
of our beauty but also the reality of our fragile souls.

We are the future, the past.
Knowing that it all burns away reminds
us of what we have in common and the subtle yet powerful
sameness that purifies us.

We are the healed, the delivered.
Even though the imperfect pieces of our shattered lives can be
restored, we realize that we are merely vessels who serve their
purpose, then return to the flames.

You are Stronger Than You Think

Do you ever feel defeated before you begin?

There is not a conspiracy to give you every problem imaginable and then watch you squirm. There is not a plot to drive you crazy. It is life…with all its terror, scars, and humiliation. But it is the only one you have.

Do you ever wonder how strong that person is in the mirror?

Many times over, you have gazed at towering obstacles that seemed too looming to overcome. Yet you stood your ground and showed the giant you are much more than a shepherd.

Do you ever imagine a world without conflict; a world without fear?

Every day you wake up, hurdles stare you down. Even running the race with perseverance is not enough…the hurdles throw an extra dose of frustration in your path. Get over them.

Do you ever see yourself as the one who feels like they must bear every burden?

Like a scene is wondrous fantasy movie, you are the ring-bearer, the keeper of peace, the one who is promised, the martyr and the savior. But you were never meant to save the world, only yourself.

Do you ever realize that you are strong enough to face any obstacle with poise and grace?

Reluctance is a blessing. Fear a powerful weapon. Frustration a pointed dagger. Use your doubts to conquer these obstacles and emerge triumphant.

Do you ever think about the reality that, if you are not strong enough, there are many who will bear the load with you?

You always feel like you are one against an army. But an army of one never won a single battle. Depend on the strengths of others and follow the blazing path they have forged. Because you are the only person that can allow yourself to be defeated. Never give an inch to worry, a foothold to despair. Your weakness is multiplied by the power of love.

What is Freedom?

They say our country is free, but is that really true?

I know the freedoms we have…life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness… given out in equal proportions so they say.

Life is a gift that is squandered by many…wasted on fragile pursuits and burdened on the back of regrets they cannot shake.

Liberty is not equal…many fight for freedom before and after leaving their cells…fight to stand and be recognized as free women and men, yet dragged down by their race or gender under the watchful eye of inequity.

The Pursuit of Happiness is a path that many chase but even fewer realize…even when happiness is caught, is it at the expense of others and does it last?

All three are fleeting…all three sound great on paper…all are noble pursuits.

In the end freedom is won in small victories…in quiet moments and in moments of great and small victories played out in gyms and classrooms and hospitals and lawyer’s offices.

Freedom is a lifelong struggle…a daily fight…a goal is that never conquered.

Freedom is found in the pursuit… in the everyday victories that sometimes seem far away from our sight.

On a lonely windswept hill in a distant country, a little boy or girl imagines the freedom they desire…ones that we already have on our worst day. 

While we enjoy our freedoms and dream of lofty pursuits, let us never forget that freedom for some is a chance to breathe clean air, run and feel the rush of adrenaline in their veins, own something that stands and gives security to their family, or taste a bit of fresh bread after hours of hunger.

Let us remember that freedom is pursued by many, but captured by so few. 

You say you are free, but is that really true?

Walking Through Cemeteries

I have always been at peace walking through cemeteries; reading the dates and expressions of love; thinking the names sound familiar and wondering if I knew them or are somehow related

I feel kinship with those of the soil; common ancestry, common destination, and a common peace we will once again share

Introspection is always necessary in life; we struggle against it, push back the inevitable until we have nothing else left to feel

Our aliveness seeks our favor, languishes in keeping us happy; yet there are times when it is necessary to reflect on our mortality

Life goes on without us, a hard lesson for sure; but we make our mark and pass the torch on to the next generation, hoping that we inspired them to develop their own seasons of happiness

Cemeteries are strangely peaceful; we thank the veterans for their sacrifices and also smile at the expressions of love for a mom, dad, grandparent, or aunt

There is no fear, only reality; this mortal truth takes its toll on the spirit, but it can never win—the human spirit lives on

So take the stroll of certainty and do not fear; the dead have no power over us, but they do give us the power to keep walking

Loser

I have a confession—I am a loser.

I lost a life I once knew—yet a bold new one sprang from the tears.

I lost a career of over twenty years—yet found a passionate one that pushes me in daunting directions to become a scholar and leader when I never knew one was inside me.

I lost my habit of self-destruction and lazy nothingness—yet found a thirst for health and fitness that keeps my body in check and urges me to never settle for normal again.

I thought I had lost my children—yet from the ashes of their childhood my Phoenix-like progeny are building their own destinies as thriving, inspiring adults.

I lost nearly every earthly possession—yet now I am surrounded by a comfortable home and a subtle serenity that protects me from the terrors of the outside world.

I am a loser—yet we all have come back from the dead at some point and put up a valiant fight to exemplify how life is always worth the trouble.

The world is filled with losers—yet it does not have to be your epitaph. Start over and prove to the world that losers can never truly be defeated.

Just You Wait

No matter how hard I try to be sucked into the pull of pessimism, I continually return to my optimistic roots. Some may consider it a curse to always be positive; but, being an optimist, of course I consider it a blessing. The pessimist is an odd creature—always seeing the dirt on the floor instead of seeing the beauty of the hardwood panels. Pessimism is the path of least resistance:

“Surely death grabs us all in the end. Possessions rust and fade away. Your love ones will probably die before you, so why waste time giving them your affection. The Earth will surely crash into the Sun in a couple of billion years, so why bother.”

But the optimist can always see a way out. They can view an inspiring sunrise or sunset instead of only seeing a smoggy downtown skyline or a repetitive suburban yardscape. Most of all, they know that changing oneself for the better is not fleeting. In fact, it is one of the noblest things one can do. Even as the path of least resistance leads to the inevitable stagnation that comes with a lack of change, climbing the seemingly impossible rocky path of struggle pushes you to heights that you never thought were possible:

“I can be in the best physical shape of my life in six months. I can take that leadership position and learn how to distill some inkling of a leader within me that I always doubted existed. It doesn’t matter that you started this game in the second half of your life…you can play ball with the big boys and drive yourself into new levels of responsibility.”

Being an optimist is a struggle because some days it seems it would be so much easier to slide into the no man’s land of despair. But seeing the good and the practical in every situation is a gift that should be shared. You will never convert the pessimist, but you might show him a better way and make him long for the hope that you effortlessly exude in every situation. The optimist’s struggle is worth every minute of positivity. So take a deep breath and exhale. There is another chance tomorrow to fight off the stench of negativity:

“I am confident that I can lose this weight and be in the best shape of my life. I may not be as much of a natural leader as many that seem to be born with those skills, but I am learning and growing every day into some form of leader that only the person in my skin can represent. I will meet this challenge head on and show others that traveling the treacherous path to success is always worth the struggle.”

The River of Stories

*Which stories are the important ones…ones of every day monotony or rich adventurous tales that may or may not be true?

*Every day we write the stories that make us who we are…stories filled with the daily inspirations that lift us from our beds and bring us into the routines of reality.

*But what is reality except for the stories that we write…those that transcend time and take us to places that we built…places that defy the present and bring to life the past.

*I prefer the daring tales to the ones that lead us into old age with a sack of regrets weighing us down. The dreams of the future don’t hold us back, but they are the winds that burst our sails into life.

*We are overcomers…writing the stories of triumph…fighting the fights that suit our battle…some noteworthy while some do not inspire any heart other than our own.

*When the stories of our lives have been written, may we know that the struggles and failures we faced encompass the unbelievable journey that built our heavens and delivered us from our hells.

*I will never give up the dreams that fill my every waking thought…I will continue to dream them out day by day and offer up the future as a sacrifice to a life beyond my imagination.