It's a Street Fight

I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, as they say. Neither was I poor. There were no clothing buying sprees, exotic vacations, trips to fancy restaurants, or family outings to the theater.

But I had an ordinary childhood, full of skinned knees, bologna and cheese sandwiches, riding bikes around the neighborhood, and cars with no air conditioning. I had my share of death, sadness, bullying, and broken hearts. It was a struggle, but one that seemed as normal as breathing.

Somehow with patience, perseverance, and a bit of luck, I went to college, transferred to a major university, finished and worked as a youth minister, and then had a long and rewarding career as a teacher.

I raised two beautiful children and saw them emerge into adults like butterflies; soon to both be college graduates with goals, aspirations, and dreams only reminiscent to me as a vapor of memories.

A marriage ended; a necessary yet painful death. I learned patience, unselfishness; that I could both love and be loved again. Along the way I enrolled into a doctoral program to become a professor, a lifelong dream. I am currently walking that treacherous, yet amazing, path.

I have never sought a fight. I avoided it at all costs during my childhood. My modus operandi was to cut and run. Even into adulthood, my rocky marriage hit turbulence because it was easier to avoid a fight than to point out the approaching iceberg. But in the last few years, I have picked up my boxing gloves.

Funny thing about these fights - they have left me battered, bruised, bloodied, and beaten. But they have never left me defeated.

I have learned to fight for my dreams, for my children, for my dignity, and for my happiness. Now I fight to restore my body and beat it into submission, and to be a supportive role model to those I love.

Now the fight rages on to keep the dream alive. I will not run from this fight. Even in the midst of denied grants, rejections, keeping asthma and ADHD at bay like roaring lions, and forces pushing me to give up and coast, I will fight on.

As always, the battle is against myself. Against the anger, indifference, and self-doubt. Against the stubborn, yet resolute, image in the mirror.

It’s a street fight. A fight to the death. A fight that will endure until my last breath.

I move forward with confidence, knowing that every second of my life has led me to this point. I will not give up. I refuse. I feel the presence of many silent warriors with raised fists cheering me on in solidarity as they fight their own battles.

The bell has sounded. Let the next round begin.

Do Not Mourn the Past, but Embrace the Now

I should not mourn for the things I have lost,

Yet I cling to those memories like a life raft and

Mourn the days of trumpets and special music performances,

Neighborhood playgrounds and decorating classrooms in August.

Now my baritone voice has grown silent and my

Trumpet has long-since been sold.

Now I take joy in the music of others and smile at the

Mobiles hung in the classrooms of teachers bursting with infectious idealism.

Now knowledge is my canvas, and words are my paint as

I train others to see through the eyes of love and give voice to the silent.

Former passions have been replaced by new ones, as I embrace the blessings of bygone love

And watch children become teenagers and college-goers become dedicated adults.

I do not mourn their lost childhood, but cherish my new role as watcher and guardian.

Now I see the path that is before me; looking back does no good, but only

Reminds me of broken twigs and failures I left in the path for others to clean up.

I cannot change the past, nor is it prudent to dream of time traveling

Machines and unconscious what-ifs

Because the past, like a classic novel, has already been written.

The now is all that remains, even as I look toward some imagined future of eternal reward;

That bright and shining city tempts me to rest in my past triumphs,

But my only way is forward.

There are still castles to explore and dragons to fight as I trek this mysterious journey,

Holding on to the past as a quiver of arrows to protect the precarious path ahead.

The past is only a faint yet powerful memory that stubbornly holds us fast to nostalgia, which

Satisfies for a moment, but in the end rusts like a creaky gate.

Do not mourn the immutable past, but embrace the now

As you move forward in grace, dignity, and purpose.

If I Could Take Your Burden Away

The feelings you hold inside produce a storm

That rages daily without relief,

Even as the shadows and drizzling rain

Replace your pain with soothing melancholy.

I see your pain, feel your despair quickly replaced

By hope, then crashing back to its well-known abyss.

Sometimes my optimism seems like a curse,

When I want to take all your pain, bitterness and worry and

Consume it like a cancer with no regard for my life.

But I know that is not what you want,

Your loving and calm spirit wishes only for a relief from the darkness,

Not to drag others into your painful reality.

If love could cure the pain, I would heap it on you like soothing coals to

Burn away the scars, or like a blanket to cover you with the warmth of hope.

I will stand with you, strengthen you, carry your burden and

Retain the book of confidence for you, to read you bedtime stories

Of a little boy who crossed a great chasm,

Who fought dragons of internal despair and self-doubt,

And who emerged victorious at the end of your perilous journey

With an unbelieving backward gaze at all you have conquered.

I cannot write the story of triumph for you, but

I will always be there to carry your burden and read you the

Adventures of your life as you, in undying confidence and strength,

Write the next chapter. 

Crossroads

I feel like I am at a critical crossroads in my life.

Although I have accomplished almost every goal I ever wanted, it is not enough.

I feel like all I have done so far will be for nothing if I don’t reach this goal; like every positive thing I have ever believed about myself will be a joke, a cruel lie.

It is close enough to taste, but I have so much more work to do.

It is overwhelming sometimes. I want to give up, but that is not in my nature.

I picture my skeptics in the background with their ugly smirks, reminding me that I chose this life, so I should stop complaining; ready to break out their “I told you so” retorts when I have failed. 

But rather than shrinking back or retreating, I push forward; knowing that there is always a chance I will fail, but clinging to the chances of success like a warrior preparing for battle. 

I may fail, but if I do, I will not go down without a fight.

This is my time to shine, to show everyone I deserve to be here.

I want to show my family and friends to never give in to negativity or cynicism, never doubt yourself, and never give up on your dreams.

Fight for everything, and in that battle you will find the will to keep going.

The Power of “One” - A Letter to ALL My Children

Dear Children (and Those I Call My Own):

A year from now, a new phase of your life will be over, and one more will be ready to begin. I have seen you mature and develop over the last few years. I have seen you struggle, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and continue the journey. I have seen you cry and say goodbye to someone you love. I have seen you wonder if all this pain and struggle is worth it. I have a short answer for you: YES! You were designed not just for some heavenly purpose, but for much earthly good.

Never underestimate the power of one. In one year, you will be starting a new journey, so be the one person who shows those around you a picture of strength and perseverance. It might be a family member, a friend, a brother or sister, or a potential student or coworker. Many times I have received messages that said: “You were the one who inspired me” or “You were the one who made me feel like it was OK to be myself” or “You were the one who taught me to love learning and push me toward a path of knowledge” or “You were the one friend that remained when I needed one.” I do not take any of those comments for granted, and neither should you.

Finish your degree. Finish those certifications. Finish that goal of doing something you want to do but never believed you could. Start a new job where you have no idea what you are doing. It’s OK. There is always one more goal to complete, followed by one more, and then another…until there are no more “ones” to be done.

You may not feel like you can affect someone every day, or move them toward greatness, but you will. You may inspire someone across the world that you will never meet, and never know the impact you had on them. This kind of lasting mark takes the faith to know that each hurdle is for a reason. And that reason could be that because you did it, others can follow in your footsteps. Be the one that causes people to stumble into greatness.

No money? Money will come if you keep seeking excellence and never stop learning.

No one to share your life with? Be patient, there is always someone who will love you for who you are.

No end in sight? Be strong, my friend. The end is the just the beginning.

I will be the one standing in the shadows with a smile, whistling and applauding as you to finish the race. Do the same for someone else. Be their one.